UNP Throws 79th Birthday Bash, Forgets It’s Been in a Coma Since 2019

22/09/2025

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Nation Thrilled to See So Many Irrelevant Men in One Room

Sri Jayewardenepura Kotte, Sept 20 – In a dazzling display of political nostalgia, floral tributes, and collective amnesia, the United National Party (UNP) celebrated its 79th anniversary yesterday, reminding everyone that it is technically still alive, despite not being spotted in Parliament without a microscope since 2020.

The event, held at the grand Monarch Imperial Hotel (because nothing screams “man of the people” like chandeliers and Uludu vadai), was attended by a vibrant cast of political has-beens, could-have-beens, and “we-were-always-just-there-for-the-snacks.”

“Let’s Stand Together” Because Alone, We Poll in Decimals

Under the profoundly ironic theme “Let’s Stand Together,” UNP leader and former President Ranil Wickremesinghe, fresh off a remand prison tour and a hospital ICU bed, addressed the gathering like a man who had just returned from Mordor.

“The current administration is a threat to our system. They’re trying to destroy us by calling us thieves,” Ranil said, possibly forgetting that being called thieves is the UNP’s oldest and most bipartisan tradition.

Ranil, who managed to spend most of his presidency governing by PowerPoint and ghosting Parliament like a bad Tinder date, now claims to be the last hope against the so-called “constitutional dictatorship” of President Anura Kumara Dissanayake.

Remand to Renaissance: The Political Resurrection of Ranil

The real star of the show, however, was Ranil’s arrest, a rare plot twist in Sri Lankan politics where the accused gets more support after being charged. With over Rs. 16 million allegedly spent on a posh UK trip while the economy was more bankrupt than the UNP’s voter base, Ranil was briefly remanded. But in true UNP fashion, he emerged not just unscathed, but more popular among his enemies than with his own party.

It’s worth noting that the UNP only celebrated its anniversary yesterday because their leader’s “medical condition” required “strict rest” and “immediate flower garlands.”

Apparently, political unity is best forged when your leader is released on bail.

A Gathering of Ghosts

Guests at the event resembled a museum exhibition of post-independence political history. Among them:

Dinesh Gunawardena, whose political relevance has been fossilized since the Jurassic era,
Udaya Gammanpila, still bitter nobody joined his party after all these years,
Sagara Kariyawasam, representing the SLPP, and seemingly confused about which meeting he was attending,
And Tissa Attanayake, a man who’s now switched parties more times than your average bus conductor changes routes.

While Sajith Premadasa—leader of the SJB and Sri Lanka’s most passionate motivational speaker—graciously skipped the event, his warm regards were read out loud, much like a hostage video sent to a political reunion he never wanted to attend.

Unity in Irrelevance

In a dramatic departure from reality, floral tributes were laid not only for UNP icons like D.S. Senanayake and J.R. Jayewardene, but also for rivals like S.W.R.D. Bandaranaike and N.M. Perera. Apparently, when your party has no living base left, the dead must be recruited for moral support.

Rumor has it that one participant whispered, “Next year, we should lay flowers for the UNP itself.”

The Plot Twist: UNP and SJB Reunite?

In what analysts are calling a “pre-election kumbaya,” Ranil hinted at a reunion with the SJB, the party formed by the people who left because they were tired of waiting for Ranil to retire. But now, with disciplinary action against deserters lifted, the UNP is essentially saying:

“Hey, no hard feelings. We’re irrelevant now, can we hang out again?” SJB sources reportedly responded:

“Thank you, but we’re already busy being the slightly less irrelevant opposition.”