NDP Declares Moral Victory After Being Obliterated Into Parliamentary Footnote
BURNABY, BC — In what political historians are already referring to as “The Great Orange Dissolution,” the New Democratic Party gathered Monday night in Burnaby to celebrate what many are calling a “deeply fulfilling and spiritually enriching electoral ass-kicking.” Leader Jagmeet Singh, flanked by two loyal staffers, a teleprompter, and several dozen imported Canadian flags, delivered a rousing concession speech that boldly claimed, “People are concretely better off,” as if citing a self-help pamphlet rather than the smoldering crater of the party’s worst seat count in over six decades.
Singh, who came in a proud and defiant third in his own riding, reminded his dwindling base that “we got dental,” a sentiment echoed by many attendees who had spent most of the evening alternating between warm nostalgia and discount wine from the onsite bar. “If we’ve achieved anything,” said campaign volunteer Maxine Howchin while hunting for leftover samosas, “it’s the knowledge that we pushed the Liberals into being slightly less terrible. And that’s a kind of power. Like… moral power. Spiritual leverage.”
Despite forecasts warning of electoral annihilation, the NDP faithful remained buoyant. Most cited the party’s proud tradition of standing for things other people eventually do before immediately voting for the people who actually do them.
“The Liberals stole our platform, sure,” admitted 18-year-old candidate Jäger Rosenberg, whose electoral experience included being mistaken for a Kamala Harris campaigner. “But that’s politics. You birth the idea, raise it, teach it values — and then the Liberals show up, change its name, and use it in an ad campaign.”
Rosenberg, flanked by his supportive parents and a stack of “Vote Jäger” stickers destined for landfill, emphasized that the party’s survival was a victory in itself. “We were polling at three seats. That’s like… fewer seats than some food courts. So seven is amazing.”
Meanwhile, Singh quietly slipped out of the venue shortly after the speech, reportedly muttering “We moved the Overton window” while being escorted into a hybrid SUV.
The event was held in the Crystal Ballroom, a name that conjured visions of grandeur that stood in comic relief to the actual scene: a sparsely populated room of half-hopefuls, still clinging to the belief that being morally right is eventually rewarded by the Canadian electorate.
Curiously absent from this year’s NDP HQ were any overt signs of the party’s once-fierce activist credentials. No keffiyehs, no “Free Palestine” buttons, not even a stray watermelon pin. When asked, one staffer explained, “Look, we’re already losing votes to the Liberals, let’s not give them another reason to ghost us.”
The real tragedy, however, lay in what could have been. Just months earlier, Singh had the chance to help topple the Liberal government and possibly redefine the political map. Instead, he extended the political equivalent of a pinky swear and was promptly left holding the bag… and no seats.
Still, optimism lingered like a faint scent of patchouli.
“I don’t want Conservatives in power,” one attendee said, while nursing a flat beer and a vague sense of ideological superiority. “Even if it means being in third place forever. It’s like… martyrdom. But polite.”
As the night wore on, the remaining NDP supporters danced, drank, and reminisced about Tommy Douglas — a man who accomplished great things by pushing Liberals slightly to the left, just like they almost did again, kind of, maybe.
In the end, the New Democrats may not have won power. Or relevance. Or even their own leader’s riding. But they did secure something far more important: a principled toast to their own glorious irrelevance.
Sources say the party’s next campaign slogan will be “Vote NDP: We’re Still Here, Technically.”
