Elon Musk and Trump Declare New “I-Don’t-Do-Anything” Policy on Federal Job Cuts

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning about-face that has left political observers scratching their heads, Elon Musk and former President Donald Trump have both announced that they are completely, absolutely, categorically not responsible for the mass firings of federal workers that have sparked national outrage over the last two months. According to sources inside private meetings, the billionaire CEO and the former commander-in-chief have united under a shared mantra: “Not my problem.”

The bizarre turn of events came Thursday after Musk, who has wielded a chainsaw at public events to symbolize his enthusiasm for federal job cuts, told a group of concerned Republican lawmakers in private that “he doesn’t fire people.”

“I’m just a humble adviser, not the actual person who makes the decisions,” Musk reportedly said while sipping on a latte and checking his latest SpaceX rocket launch stats. “The agencies do all the firing, I’m just here to, you know, suggest stuff.”

This came just hours after Trump addressed his cabinet secretaries, telling them that they, not Musk, were the ones in charge of firing thousands of federal employees, including military veterans, who, for reasons unknown, may have been deemed “too efficient.”

“I’ve empowered you to make the cuts,” Trump said in his usual charismatic, and often contradictory, style. “Not Musk. He’s just a consultant. He makes recommendations. You decide if the recommendations are good or not. And if they’re bad, you can blame him. If they’re good, take credit. That’s how this works.”

Sources say that Trump’s comments came after an urgent meeting where he reportedly showed off a new and improved “scalpel” for budget cuts, as opposed to Musk’s much-publicized chainsaw approach.

“I don’t want to see a big cut where a lot of good people are cut,” Trump insisted, although it’s unclear whether he was speaking about workers or just trying to avoid the wrath of voters. “But if you can’t do it, I’ll send it to Elon. He’ll go full hack-and-slash mode if he has to.”

This is a particularly curious stance given Musk’s recent behavior. He has made numerous public declarations, including telling an audience that the U.S. should “delete entire agencies” and calling on government workers to “get with the program” while holding a chainsaw like a character from a post-apocalyptic video game. At a recent event, Musk even tweeted, “Efficiency is the future. The past is inefficient.” Presumably, the “past” included government workers.

Musk’s sudden decision to distance himself from the mass layoffs has led to confusion among lawmakers, who are now scrambling to explain the situation to angry constituents. Representative Richard Hudson, a North Carolina Republican, sought to clarify the matter during a tense meeting with Musk in the Capitol basement.

“Look, Elon doesn’t fire people,” Hudson said, wiping pizza crumbs from his lapel. “He’s just the guy who finds out where the cuts should be. If anything, he’s more like a consultant. So, stop blaming him. No one’s blaming him. Right?”

The confusion deepened when Musk, at an earlier press conference, claimed that he was merely following orders from President Trump, who had put him in charge of a government efficiency department so mysterious that even the people working there are unsure what it does. The “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE), which Trump recently claimed Musk now oversees, has become a notorious symbol of job cuts and outsourcing, though no one seems to be sure what “efficiency” really means in this context.

Not to be outdone, Trump again emphasized his commitment to “precision” in cutting, ordering that any cuts should be handled with “scalpels” rather than “hatchets.” “I don’t want to see people just hacked away at. We need delicate, careful decisions, like when you cut out a cancer,” Trump remarked, as aides scrambled to find out if he was referring to actual medical procedures or government workers.

As for Musk, he shrugged off any suggestions that he had anything to do with firings. “If I wanted to fire people, I’d fire the people who insist on sending me those ridiculous memos about staffing. They’re wasting my time,” Musk quipped before staring intently at his phone for updates on Tesla’s stock price.

Meanwhile, in the public sector, a growing wave of discontent continues to surge. Federal workers, especially military veterans, have protested en masse, claiming that their livelihoods are being gutted under the guise of efficiency. A few brave bureaucrats have even started a GoFundMe campaign for “the only agency that matters: The Human Resources Department of Elon Musk’s Department of Efficiency,” to which Musk, ever the innovator, promised to donate “some spare change” from his pocket.

As the controversy continues, one thing is clear: both Trump and Musk are determined to remain in charge of everything… except the blame. Whether or not they’ll ever hold a chainsaw again is still uncertain, but they’ve certainly mastered the art of avoiding responsibility.

For now, though, all we know is that Musk didn’t fire anyone… but he might have just “suggested” it.

Meanwhile, in the Sky…

On Thursday, while Musk was busy distancing himself from the federal layoffs, something truly out of this world occurred: a SpaceX rocket exploded shortly after its launch from Texas. The mission, which was meant to be a simple test flight, quickly turned into an “unscheduled disassembly”  a fancy way of saying it exploded, just moments after liftoff.

The massive SpaceX Starship, a rocket the size of a small skyscraper, began to spin wildly out of control shortly after launch. SpaceX confirmed that it lost contact with the uncrewed ship, which, despite all the best plans, failed to meet the expectations of reaching orbit.

Fortunately, no injuries or significant damage were reported, except for the minor issue of fiery debris raining down on the Caribbean islands like a scene from a sci-fi disaster movie. Locals were seen waving their arms in confusion, wondering if they were witnessing a real-life meteor shower or just another test flight gone wrong. Either way, it’s the kind of sight you’d want to capture for Instagram, right?

The explosion marked the eighth test of the Starship rocket and the second consecutive failure. While this may seem like a streak of bad luck for Musk’s space endeavors, SpaceX remains undeterred. According to their statement, the company is already reviewing data “to better understand the root cause” of the explosion, which likely involves “several” engines just deciding they were done with the whole space adventure thing.

But fear not, they reassured the public: the rocket’s Super Heavy booster successfully returned to the launchpad, so at least there’s that. The explosion also happened in a “pre-planned area,” they noted, and promised no toxic materials were involved because, apparently, that’s the new standard for good news.

SpaceX’s statement also included contact details for those who think they might have found a piece of the exploded rocket. So if you’re on vacation in the Caribbean and spot a flaming chunk of spaceship, don’t just call it a souvenir SpaceX might pay you to hand it over!

As for Musk, he has yet to comment on the incident, but experts speculate that he is likely busy explaining to the federal government that, in fact, this kind of failure could be a valuable lesson in efficiency. After all, he’s always been a big believer in learning from mistakes especially when they explode in spectacular fashion.