Trump Shocked to Discover Putin Not Nice, Declares War Crimes ‘Not Great’
In a bombshell revelation that absolutely no one saw coming except the entire intelligence community and anyone with a functioning internet connection, former President and full-time social media influencer Donald J. Trump has come out swinging against his longtime crush Russian President Vladimir Putin, calling him “absolutely crazy” and adding, in what experts say may have been his most coherent statement in a year, “He’s killing a lot of people, and I don’t like it at all.”
The remarks, made during a hotdog break in New Jersey, came just after Russia launched its largest aerial assault on Ukraine since the full-scale invasion began in 2022 deploying 367 drones and missiles in one night. At least 12 Ukrainians were killed. While world leaders were condemning the violence with coordinated sanctions and emergency summits, Trump took a bold stance: being “not happy” with Putin.
“It’s very strong language for him,” said Dr. Fiona Snarkson of the International Institute of Eyebrow Raises. “The last time Trump was this upset was when they brought him Diet Pepsi instead of Diet Coke.”
Trump, who once praised Putin as a “genius” and “savvy,” expressed what aides are calling a “pivot” in tone. “What the hell happened to him?” Trump asked reporters, apparently unaware that “the hell” has been happening since at least 2014.
Social media lit up shortly after Trump posted on Truth Social: “Putin has gone absolutely crazy. I’ve always said he wants all of Ukraine, not just a piece and maybe I was right, because I’m very smart and I get along with people. But if he does, it’ll be bad for Russia, and that’s bad for everybody, especially me.”
Analysts noted that Trump’s tough talk may be partially motivated by optics. “When your bromance partner starts committing war crimes on live television, even you have to start looking for the eject button,” said political commentator Rachel Blister. “But in typical Trump fashion, he managed to criticize Putin and Zelensky in the same breath. It’s like watching someone try to fight both sides of a chess match and still lose.”
Indeed, Trump didn’t miss an opportunity to take a shot at the man whose country is being carpet-bombed. “Zelensky is doing his country no favours by talking the way he does,” Trump posted, before presumably putting on a red cap and rewatching Home Alone 2. “Everything out of his mouth causes problems. I don’t like it, and it better stop.”
Critics were quick to point out that while European allies are advancing new sanctions against Russia, Trump has repeatedly threatened sanctions without actually doing anything. “This is foreign policy by Yelp review,” said one diplomat. “He’ll leave one-star ratings for Putin and Zelensky but refuses to call the manager.”
In a classic Trumpian twist, the former president also claimed his recent two-hour phone call with Putin went “very well,” although sources say the call was mostly Trump explaining how Ukraine “used to be part of Russia anyway” and asking if he could get his name on a peace treaty “like in gold, real big.”
Meanwhile, the White House remains noncommittal on sanctions, saying they are “considering walking away” from peace talks — in what critics described as America’s bold new approach: passive-aggressive ghosting.
As Putin continues to pummel Ukrainian cities and Kyiv pleads for stronger U.S. leadership, Trump appears content to manage the crisis one Truth Social post at a time. When asked if his words would be followed by action, Trump replied, “Nobody sanctions better than me, believe me. I might do it. Or not. We’ll see.”
In unrelated news, Trump’s team has released a new line of “Peace Through Strength (and Vibes)” merchandise, now available at Mar-a-Lago gift shops and bail hearings nationwide.
