From Gunshots to Spotlight: Halloluwa’s Political Comeback Tour Kicks Off With Budget-Brand Assassination Attempt
Sri Lanka’s long-running political soap opera reached an unexpected low-budget twist this week, as Thusitha Halloluwa, known less for policy and more for political pantomime, claimed to have survived a mysterious “assassination attempt” that appears to have been directed more at narrative tension than human life.
The incident, which unfolded in Narahenpita on Thursday night, featured all the hallmarks of a thriller directed by someone who’s only watched the trailers. Gunfire? Yes. Dramatic escape? Certainly. Bullet holes? Just the one. Injuries? Not a scratch. A conveniently missing folder of secret documents? Naturally.
In a plotline rejected by Netflix for being “too far-fetched,” Halloluwa reported that two mystery assailants on a motorbike opened fire on his vehicle carefully avoiding the human occupants and instead targeting an empty seat and perhaps the car’s self-esteem.
“Bullet Misses Target, Hits Plot Instead”
Halloluwa, flanked by his ever-present political sidekick and discount Machiavelli, Dinesh Dodangoda, rushed to the Narahenpita Police Station to file a complaint, but not before dropping what has now become his signature theatrical twist the theft of a “sensitive” file, which presumably contained the evidence he forgot to bring to his last press conference.
Police sources described the situation as “unusual,” noting that the gunman seemed to be firing “warning shots, symbolic shots, and maybe even metaphorical shots.”
“There’s no evidence of a real threat,” said one senior officer. “But we’re still investigating mostly because it’s so weird we feel morally obligated to.”
“I Nearly Died, But Let’s Focus on This Inconvenient Folder”
As Colombo’s residents braced for yet another monsoon of political nonsense, social media commentators did what they do best: summed it up better than any think tank.
“If he died, it would’ve been the underworld. Since he’s alive, it’s Halloluwa’s own doing,” wrote one user, instantly winning the internet and possibly a spot on next year’s presidential media team.
Others questioned the realism of the entire affair. “Imagine trying to stage your own shooting and the bullet misses you and your narrative. That’s talent,” tweeted a prominent journalist.
Dodangoda: The Watson to Halloluwa’s Political Sherlock Holmes Fanfiction
Dinesh Dodangoda, who was inexplicably present in the vehicle (perhaps as moral support or script supervisor), also emerged unscathed, prompting many to wonder if this was less of an ambush and more of a dress rehearsal.
The pair, once formidable players in Sri Lanka’s political backstage, are now widely considered the nation’s foremost producers of political theatre that no one asked to see.
“They’re like the ‘Laurel and Hardy’ of failed coups,” said one observer. “Only less funny, and with worse dialogue.”
Police Investigation Ongoing, But Maybe Into the Wrong Thing
The Colombo Crimes Division has dutifully taken over the case, but analysts suggest their efforts may be better spent investigating how Halloluwa managed to go from “slipper-wearing nobody” to “SUV-driving mystery millionaire” without so much as a lemonade stand to his name.
Legal experts have urged the Bribery Commission and Financial Intelligence Unit to pivot the camera from the car windshield to Halloluwa’s bank accounts.
“If you want the real story,” said one retired prosecutor, “follow the money, not the bullet.”
The Sequel No One Wants – But We’ll Probably Get Anyway
In a cruel twist of irony, Halloluwa once served as a mouthpiece for former President Ranil Wickremesinghe. Speculation is now swirling that his latest performance might be an audition to return, because Sri Lankan politics, like a bad franchise, loves recycling its least-beloved characters.
If we’re lucky, he might even announce a political memoir next month titled “Targeted: But Just Barely.”
Final Thought: Where Is the File, Thusitha?
The nation remains gripped by one crucial question: where is the missing file?
Multiple theories abound:
- It never existed.
- It’s with the Loch Ness Monster.
- It’s under the seat next to the bullet hole, quietly sobbing.
Whatever the truth, one thing is certain: Thusitha Halloluwa may not have mastered the art of political survival, but he’s certainly mastered the art of staying… in the news.
Cue dramatic music. Curtain falls. Bullet rolls gently offstage.
